You can discover the weirdest things digging into your family history.
For example:
Apparently, I have a great-great-uncle who was cursed by a witch after stiffing her on the repayment of one-dollar loan. (Why he borrowed a dollar from a witch in the first place is not recorded.)
I also have a great-grandfather, a beekeeper by profession, who’s alleged to have spontaneously combusted one day while tending his bees.
As far as I can tell, these events are completely unrelated – the two men are on different branches of the family tree, and never met – but I can’t help but imagine that somewhere out there, there’s a witch with unbelievably bad aim.
on the topic of humans being the intergalactic “hold my beer” species: imagine an alien stepping onto a human starship and seeing a space roomba™ with a knife duct taped onto it, just wandering around the ship
it doesn’t have any special intelligence. it’s just a normal space roomba. there are other space roombas on the ship and they don’t have knives. it’s just this one. knife space roomba has full clearance to every room in the ship. occasionally crew members will be talking and then suddenly swear and clutch their ankle. knife space roomba putters off, leaving them to their mild stab wounds.
“what is the point?” asks the alien as another crew member casually steps over the knife-wielding robot. “is it to test your speed and agility?”
“no it doesn’t really go that fast,” replies the captain.
“does it teach you to stay ever-vigilant?”
“I mean I guess so but that’s more of a side effect.”
“does it weed out the weak? does it protect you from invaders? do repeated stabbings let your species heal more quickly in the future?”
“it doesn’t stab very hard, it gets us more than it gets our enemies, and no, but that sounds cool — someone write that down.”
“but then what is its purpose?”
“I don’t know,” the captain says, leaning down to give the space roomba an affectionate pat. “it just seemed cool”
this is the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard but I thought about it for five seconds and realized that if I were, say, a random communications officer onboard this ship and someone taped a knife to a roomba it would take maybe three weeks before even I was inordinately fond of Stabby. I would be proud of Stabby when I met up with my other spacefleet friends for space coffee, I would tell them about the time Stabby got the second mate in the ankle five seconds before the fleet admiral beamed on board and she swore in seven different languages in front of high command.
also by the fourth day Stabby would be in the ship’s log, he’d have little painted-on insignia, people would salute him as he went by, and someone would hook up a twitter account to tweet maniacal laughter and/or a truly terrible knock-knock joke every time he managed to nick someone.
Omg so the ting I typed up might actually happen this is gold
Since I’ve decided to make a tiny R2D2 for my robotics class I spent the morning finding .wav files of the different sounds he makes but the original file names I knew would get confusing
so here I am sitting here psychoanalyzing and personifying as many of them as I can because okay yeah he’s beeping and chirping but what was he feeling
it has been like at least eight years and sometimes I still think to myself, when I am tired, “but I am le tired… well then take a nap! AND THEN FIRE ZE MISSILES” even though in retrospect that is like one of the most embarrassingly unfunny videos to ever come out of the internet
tbh i still start sentences with “hokay, so” at least 3 times a day
Izzie’s tumblr archive 